Before I wrote the last post I was cleaning my desk off and a book I found in a thrift shop fell into my bucket. I use a bucket for various chores and currently its a makeshift trash can because I like to work or read while I chop for my dishes.
I put it back. Finding it odd that my book moved itself.
A half hour later, my stack of books which were laying perfectly flat were jostled onto the floor once more. Not finding anything coincidental in life I said, Ok, I am going to open you and you better have something damn good in there to be jumping around like a mexican jumping bean.
The book is titled ” 100 simple secrets of Successful people” I opened it to page 154. The chapter was titled. See the risk in doing nothing, all about this artist who was scared to have an exhibit and to share his work with the world.
It made me think of the Brene Brown ted talk I watched one spring day 2013 that forever changed my life when I realized other people struggle with vulnerability, intimacy, knowing their emotions and that my title of Aspie was not a life sentence.
Showing up in the Arena.
Damn it, I want to help others train to be badass gladiators who fear nothing, bare their teeth and ROAR.
If it takes being seen, being potentially stalked by crazy people in my past, hating cameras and getting in front of them anyway. Okay, I will fucking do it.
Balls to the wall commitment to this burning passion and lifelong pain in the ass gifting.
The loner who finds herself counseling sobbing strangers who just start sharing their story after a vision she had or sometimes they just start talking to me.
I was sitting on this bus one summer’s day my 17th year with a fry and chicken nuggets, sweet n sour sauce from work. I had been on my feet ten hours doing extra time to cover someones screw up and I was starving because I was a lunch skipping maniac who thought she could survive on coffee throughout my teens. This beautiful cocoa skinned elderly woman smiled at me sweetly. Compelled, I blurted. “Would you like some, I have a super size meal here and I really cannot eat it all. ” She glowed. “My dear I was not sure how I would eat tonight. My checks not here yet. You must be an angel.”
Even telling it now I fucking cry. It was such a magical moment of connection. Genuine intimacy and vulnerability. Those moments we as humans should live and die for, learning about each other and raising each other up instead of pulling down, using, or needing to feel superior in some way.
I want thousands of those fucking moments and if it takes getting in front of a camera and using that horrible word “selfie” It hurts my aspie ears and it sounds like selfish so it makes me irrationally angry.
So be it.