The past week I’ve been dealing with a kind of anxiety. A million questions rolled in the back of my mind while I was sleeping more lightly than usual. They zipped for a flash of a moment between my day. Migraines exhausted me and I could hardly think about the kind of life I was planning for, not really. If the headaches subsided there was a knot in my throat. Just exactly what am I truly buckling in for, and am I really worthy of it?
As I never bothered with fear through out life, I’m not as quick to know how to cope with it.
It was only a few days ago I realized I had to handle that fear — Nola had me talk it out. Oh god, talking it out?? Well, seeing that I’m not so much in the habit of speaking my emotions I decided to take it a challenge of literally writing out or speaking my emotions whenever my body said I was exerting myself but not dealing with the issues. So that was just the beginning. So out it went, speaking of all the worse case scenarios – the situations that could plague me by being vulnerable. I was lucky to have my partner dispute it.
One of my biggest fears is that I’m a fraud. To do this for business, to say to the world, “This is it – this is me, this is what I have to offer!” I fear being rejected again. I fear revealing my soul only for someone to shit on it again. That was where I was, emotionally, even though mentally I was aware I am capable and trust the process that I will succeed in the end. I deal with the past that made me not believe in myself emotionally, I deal with the issues of healing those wounds that I did not know how to heal at the time, and blew off out of false arrogance.
To explain the process, a few days ago the revelation was needed that I needed into tap into Anger as well – out of my emotions panel, anger is cool and quiet strength that is fuels my drive, Joy is the drive, but anger apparently pushes it. Each person is different as it can be revealed in the body map exercise. It starts with my earliest memories, unjust situations were being placed upon me but anger wasn’t allowed.
I became emotionally dormant from that instance but it wasn’t until the incident of emotional and spiritual trauma that happened at age 12 [link to that article here] that made me become timid, and I soon began to operate out of fear. Funnily enough to the common eye, you wouldn’t have seen it. I was adventurous and welcomed new experiences, people, and places to call my home. Yet all that fed an insecurity that I was apparently refusing to deal with. After my dad’s death, it all toppled over me. I couldn’t function, I didn’t function, I began to idle down.
I got to know myself this week. With an intervention of another exercise I saw my emotions control panel, and how I saw my subconscious mind. It looked like 80’s Wallstreet Joy, she struts around with the confidence of a drag queen, practically coloring her world with a conductor’s wand, as if she was a fairy godmother.
Sadness tried to take on tasks with all of her energy, that created a clumsiness – vulnerability over-spilling as she trembled. Coffee dripped down her arm as she carried the cup. Runs ripped through her tights as she walked up the stairs. As she was on the phone, she rambled in circles and never got to a point. She was willing but quite messy. Anger, at the beginning of the exercise was… Fascinating. Like Madonna in The League of Her Own. Backwards baseball cap, jersey wearing, italian New Yorker. She popped her gum and was unapologetic for her time, space, and directions. She would bang on a the car that suddenly breaking behind when she crossed the street – she would yell that she was INDEED walkin HERE.
Disgust.. she was the Hitchcock blonde, a breed of female that mansplainers would just. Want. Her. To. Smile! Cause she’s so pretty it would be a waste. Disgust never reacted, she would just detach, as if situations and people were irrelevant to her. That was her coping mechanism. She isolated herself from the world and I could see it the years I wore her on my sleeve after being betrayed once again after baring my soul. I had learned a while ago that disgust is what happens when I don’t process my emotions – anger especially. I become critical of myself and upset with experiencing much, I became as “selective” as possible. I’m happy to say that she’s farther down my emotional reality now. One down, right?
Fear is what I’m handling now.
As for fear, it’s not as much about what’s the past, but realizing my true identity. What my best self is, the higher version of myself that was Destined for me. Then figure out the keys, the hindrances that separates me not from that reality, because well, we are in the LOA community, but the issues that keeps me from identifying from this ideal self. Dissociating from the fear of the fraud. Well, if I need to identify with it, I might as well let the freak flag fly.
My ideal self has grown out her hair, and has stopped chopping it. It’s now a cool red. When it’s straightened it’s to her mid back – but she regularly changes hairstyles to go with her different looks. She is happily back into her size 8 body, but it’s more toned and muscular. She goes to the gym in the morning and eats smoothies loaded with fruits + veggies, and has everything bagels with extra cream cheese. After her shower she writes a post all about the angst and revelation she’s going through.
She then spends the rest of her morning connecting spiritually and aligning herself emotionally. For lunch she eats something high protein and eats the expensive version of her favorite treats such as high quality poptarts. The afternoon is spent working on her art, designing clothes, and painting. She leaves poetry for night time, or whenever she’s inspired on the go. For dinner she goes to a sushi bar once a week, but she cooks regularly now and often makes dishes from around the world. Monday features France, Tuesday is Malta, Wednesday is South Africa, on and on.
She will speak to her clients and Nola on her Bluetooth as she cooks, and may do her Vlog posts at nightfall, but most of her time will be with the hypnotherapy clients. The night is finished off with wine and a movie, or a few episodes of a show.
My room is full of soft and textured fabrics, rich and full of art and books that connect her to her inner-world. She visits New York City, her apartment in Brooklyn, and she affiliates herself with artists and eventually makes a production company. She will have her poetry book launch in SoHo and has her best friends there to have congratulatory drinks with. She will focus on debuting her play.
BeastlyBeauties is taking off and the Children’s home is the works, she works on designing the rooms and interior hall. My ideal self models her different looks, her closet and fashion choices is something she shares to the world. My ideal self…. she is constantly sharing even when she’s on the edge. She shows herself and is bravely real. She doesn’t fear the naysayers as she finds them irrelevant.
She finds happiness in connecting to the world and marking it with her colors. She finds happiness in exploring the world again, as she wants to show how she sees it to people who understand, because that’s what love is, wanting to share your experiences with someone else. That love doesn’t come often as it does so she’s in love with life, and with herself, truly this time!
She is a dancer, a singer, and an actress and she revels in taking classes in those topics. She goes to open mic nights, happy for slam poetry, theater, and independent film makers.
One day she will explore those areas as well. She makes songs off the top of her head as she walks down the grocery store aisle and records them on her phone on whim. She is daring, humane, exciting, nurturing, and she brushes dust off her shoulders – actively walking issues off. A graceful feminist, she smiles and laughs more. She is not operating through fear but joy, sadness, and anger. She doesn’t let fear run her at all.