- You stop shaming yourself for letting that kind of person in your life, relationship or otherwise. (In the community, a frequently used word is ‘Empath’ – it explains how you will easily throw the rug over your pain and hurt, to give your toxic lover the benefit of the doubt simply because you can see the inner child behind the narcissist.)
- Think about the ways you shaped yourself to the abuse, bullshit games, and the ways they triggered you, subtly or not, in order to push a reaction out of you. Think about the ways they denied you to be able to trust yourself. It’s not cliche to say we’re all human, the mind is a galaxy itself. How you reacted to the narcissist and their games is not a reflection of your self worth or whether you deserved the abuse. Reread that statement.
With my ex girlfriend – for some reason I found myself eventually playing her games. With time I caught myself wanting to out maneuver her; if she got angry with me and began to verbally abuse me, I would get angrier and I would continue the fight until I broke down and ended the conversation – it was always me who had to walk away, who had to give in first. If I could tell she was manipulating me, I would go along and pretend she succeeded in the task without much thought – in technical terms can be considered manipulation on it’s own. However that may be, it was just wild because I knew it was always safer to do so than to prove my intellect or responsibility to my own emotions – which I would fight for as well, but in the end, I was considered emotionally inferior, and I didn’t know what to do about it because I began to believe it. In the end, the fight would always conclude with a bite in my ass – because I would “overreact.” All of these excuses, one alone could have me justify or excuse her abusive rage — but it still doesn’t make the cut.
She knew the heart I had. In regards to relations with other, she wasn’t shy about stating her need for power and the upper-hand, and I was clear I was desperate to reform myself [therefore easy to compel me by shame.]
- You make a floor plan of the unconscious messages they placed in you, and start undoing them from the ground up. Ditch the technicalities or the moments in time where you felt you deserved it. It’s easier to move forward with your feelings first because that suffocating shame will never lie no matter the attempts to make you undermine your own linear thinking. (The narcissist will do that by saying you are crazy and give nothing in the relationship, gas-lighting, manipulation, planting doubt in your head to make you mistrust people you consider your rock, grooming others you emotionally lean on so on and so forth.) Let the flood of memories bring up the incidents and even indirect digs that left you stinging. With each moment – write down if it instilled guilt, fear, shame, or pain in you. Write down what it conceived as a reflection of your worth, personality, or ego. Write down the unconscious messages. Recognize if there is a pattern. This is not a band-aid to rop off and I realize with experience, sometimes revelation will come after you shed a few layers. It’s okay if that sounds alarmingly painful, healing often is but breathing finally gets easier as time goes by.
- You begin to undo those messages. This is the part where you DO get technical. Invalidate your abuser and realize they were complete shit talkers. Realize that you are beautiful, genius, kind, and amazing simply because the narcissist said you weren’t. Why? Because abusers like to emphasize that you are in lack. The cutting down into your system of who you are in the point of being in a relationship with you, because they can groom you into who they see you as. Getting your identity back from narcissistic abuse is no picnic. When you have lived with it for a long time, it shapes a better part of your personality and it may be hard to see the abundance in you – it helps to have a friend or tribe to tell you that the warped perception of yourself isn’t actuality.
- What is your truth? What is actuality? This is the part where you start to become intimate with yourself again. And that means you stop forcing yourself to be better, to be the more because someone said you we’re less than. Intimacy means pure vulnerability, and the nakedness is nerving. However… dealing with a narcissist you end up splitting – there are two you’s. The one you are, and the ideal person. Your aim. Persistently striving into perfection makes you cut yourself off from nurturing your spirit and connecting with soul. (And that is usually the ticket to HAPPY-WITH-YOURSELF-LAND.) So… exercising to get intimate with yourself can be exhausting. Yet when you realize it’s not a report card but a journey you can breathe.
For instance.. when you deal with your hair and recognize it has a life of it’s own ( curly some days, straight others, and in between a downright afro ) things get simpler. When it’s not in your control, yeah you get angry, or disgusted with yourself. But when you take care and nurture your hair it’s almost as if you get to know every curl and have a relationship with it. Just like having a relationship with other people means getting to know and truly understand the peaks, valleys, and how every tide redirects the boat with no sails… Have that relationship with yourself as well. From experience, I had to get less uptight towards Josie. Learning to work with self intimacy means learning how love you regardless and that will take some effort. Fear of depth means you don’t really trust yourself to handle more than what you have known so there is a choice you’re going to have to make, whether to truly push through or not. However, you can start light. This is your journey. Body mind spirit soul and emotions – there are exercises to get to know every aspect of what makes you amazing, so dive in.
- Recheck back in and think about how you coped to deal with the stress, and how that made you change how you address the world. It’s great to do this for every relationship as we allow for every individual to “dip” into our soul – it’s important to see the effect. This revelation helps you unravel those emotional and spiritual kinks in order to receive light in you once again. That is work alone that my business partner and I constantly focus on. (Summarized unconscious messages)
After my relationship with the devil – it was hard to come out and not see the world as a battleground, My personality shifted because I felt I had to fight to be my own person again and I was on the defense in many relationships, operating in a spirit of rebellion. The spotty relationship with my mother made me feel like no one was worth letting in. I mean, sure I could tell you facts about my past, how I saw the world, and even my feelings but day to day basis – I kept my livelihood private so others didn’t eventually feel obliged to quip in feedback, I didn’t want to care. After my relationship with my father who I adored, I was surprised to see his fatal flaws now mine, and I found myself thinking surviving would just be maintenance of my most shallow parts of myself. Sounds like a mess? Oh yeah for sure. But with this information, I know what parts of my personality I actually do need to fight. The ones that keep me saying no. No to love, no to life, and no to myself.